The Millennium Magician
by Shadow Sanctuary
Summary: Freaked out by what he discovered in Ryou's library, Joey comes to school in a bad mood. When Yugi reveals to him why he has been made the class clown, his temper ignites, and he causes a food fight that involves everyone at Domino High!
1. Default Chapter

Chapter One: Too Much to Tell

Hey, it's me…the one an' only Joey Wheeler here. Shut ya traps and quit ya moanin', 'cuz I'm not the so-called idiot everyone thinks I am. That's right, I've got a newsflash for ya…I'm an intelligent human bein' with a heart and soul that should be talked about for its greatness once in a while. That's right, ya Kaiba worshippin', Duke cuddlin' freaks, I'm smart. Got that? Lemme spell it out for ya if ya didn't catch that: S-M-A-T. Oops, What I meant ta say was, S-M-A-R-T. No quirky comments on that lil' mishap there. Just a slip o' th' tongue. Anyhoo, I'm not askin' for ya to feed my ego or anythin', but I _would _like ya to understand more about me and my life before ya pass any judgments on me. Is that so hard to do? If it is, stop reading this and go find a girlie mag to skim. Though it's none of my business what ya do in your spare time, I just want ya to know this: the pics in the porn shows are beautiful, but don't expect the babes to reach out of the T.V. set and help ya masturbate. 'Nuff said.

I have a ton a homework t'night, and I don't wanna do a damn bit of it. Yeah, I'm lazy, I'll admit to that much of it. Yug's not home right now, so that scratches my idea of copyin' his chemistry stuff. Oh, well…it's not like one more zero's gonna hurt my already failin' average in that subject. Anyways, I'll just make up for the bad grade on my next test. I may never turn in my assignments the followin' mornin', but I always score high enough on the exams to cover my ass. Never fails. So, at least I've narrowed down my homework load a little: I've got some algebra equations, English vocab, questions in history ta answer, and even some elective junk that I don't remember the directions for. Pushin' away the towerin' stack of textbooks, I sighed. 

"Man, this is one time I regret sleepin' in class so much."

Behind me, the clock in the room struck midnight. Its bells chimed the late hour, echoin' in my head like some loser tryin' ta get attention. . Pressin' a hand to my head, I gritted my teeth.

"If that thing rings any louder, I'll be goin' ta sleep on a coupla bottles a Tylenol and Vodka." I grumbled, cursin' the heap a scrap metal for botherin' the shit outta me. 

There was no use in tryin' ta leave the place I was at, since Bakura shoved me in here and bolted the door shut when he left. This was his gentle way a tellin' me that I should be studyin' more often instead a blowin' all my hard earned cash at the arcade. Very thoughtful, I'll give him that much. Ryou also knows that my worst nightmare is bein' trapped inside a cell with a pile a homework starin' me in the face. So, it's his loss if I go insane and trash the lot. That'll be after burnin' my books and papers, a'course.

Again with the damned outta tune janglin', bangin' inside my head like Santa Claus tryin' his hand at rock music. Just try an' picture _that _one: Big Red himself gettin' down with Rudolph and Blitzen and all the other whatever-the-hell-they-wanna-call-themselves, flashin' a guitar while singin' some drugged out version of "Jingle Bells." Kinda creepy, huh? That just goes ta show ya what happens when I'm bein' deprived of sleep, candy, video games, and my good ole stress release, Playboy. 

"An' I'm gonna start with settin' that freakin' thing on fire if it doesn't shut up!" I yelled, clutchin' my ears with angry fists. 

Almost as if the wooden thing wanted to test my temper, it continued to clang away in its cold, boring rhythm. Pissed and hungry, I balled my hands into small tight balls. I could feel my nails scratchin' my skin, but it didn't hurt enough for me to notice. The old timepiece was the only item Ryou had to remember his mother by, but the stupid object was really wearin' on my nerves. 'Sides, that's what he gets for cagin' me up like this.

Givin' a final warnin' to th' bangin' rubble of BedRock, I snarled, "Cut it out, or you'll get a piece a me ya never wanted!"

Just as I was about to unleash a can of whoop ass, my hand knocked over somethin' on a nearby tabletop. Fallin' to the carpet with a soft thud, the object stared at me with fancy letters.

Takin' in the features of the front cover, I read the hardback's title. "Magic for Magicians of the New Millennia. Weird, I didn't expect to find somethin' like this in here. What's it got in it?"

Without thinkin', I snatched the text off the floor, openin' it to the first page. Inside, I saw lists of spells for all kinds a stuff: chants for helpin' out sick friends, lil' sayin's for every part a the day , even a buncha recipes for sachets and tinctures. Whatever the hell _those _were, I had no fuckin' clue.

"Ooohh, a money charm…" I recited as my eyes opened like dinner plates, "that'd come in handy for buyin' that new Mustang I saw bein' advertised on the news. I got the juniper leaves, dried cloves, and chamomile leaves, but what'm I supposed to do for dragon's blood and hell bane?" Forcing out a frustrated sigh, I kept thumbing through the book. "This sucks…I have to kiss a sports car bye-bye just 'cuz I can't come up with some dead parts of a plant. Geez, can't a poor guy get a break here?!" 

Pictures of creepy animals, funny lookin'rocks, and weird items used for conjurin' flashed before my eyes as I searched for somethin' useful to glance at. There were minerals used for exorcisms, songs written to raise the dead, and even poems and laws that stated the true nature of a magician.

"Lessee… 'Bide the Wiccan laws we must in perfect love and perfect trust.'" I said aloud, scannin' the verses of an age old document. "Hey, cool, that rhymes! I never thought that Ryou would have somethin' this awesome in his grasp! I mean, who woulda ever believed that the little scholar was a buddin' witch?" Realizin' the depth of my words, I nearly dropped the mysterious text I held. "Whoa, whoa, whoa…did I just hear myself correctly?! Bakura?! Some kinda warlock of sorts?!" Doubtin' my own sixth sense gnawin' on the insides of my stomach, I shook off the uneasy feelin' with a shake of my head. "Nah, I gotta be kiddin' myself. He's _way _too practical for this stuff. Who knows, this might be one of his parent's books. He hardly comes in this room anyways."

Suddenly a wild idea popped into my mind, replacin' my thoughts about associatin' my friend with the magical writing. 

"Hmm…almost _every _one a these books has a chapter or two on that topic--"

Quickly fannin' through the mass of prayers, info on herbs and spices, and ingredients for first-year kiddies of the Craft, I arrived at my one and only point of interest in the entire book.

Jumpin' up from my position on the floor, I exclaimed with delight, "Awright, bulls-eye! This is just what the doctah ordered: Dr. Love, that is!" Stiflin' a hentai giggle, I examined the many formulas for acquirin' a "romantic date." "C'mon, bring a sexy love spell ta daddy…"

While turnin' the worn pieces of paper back and forth, a folded up note fell into my lap. Pausin' in my quest to draw a string bikini babe (or two) into my life, I peered down at the folded sheet. I cocked my head to the side, debatin' with myself about openin' the letter-like object.

_/What if it's a personal item of Bakura's? /_ I wondered, seriously evaluatin' the situation before me. _/Then again, what if it's the perfect instructions on how to meet my soul mate or somethin'? Aw, I'll feel really guilty about readin' somethin' that turns out to be a secret of Ryou's! Then again, if I _don't _open the note and I never see what it says, I could be passin' up the opportunity of a lifetime! /_Feelin' a terrible throbbin' sensation by my temples, I thought, _/To _read _or _not _to read…what do I do?! /_

Grabbin' handfuls of my blond hair, I finally decided to give in to my impulsive nature.

"Gah, I'm just gonna go ahead and read the dumb letter! It's not like he has personal writing in here, since this library's always open to all of his pals."

Thoroughly convinced that my actions weren't invadin' my friend's privacy, I practically tore open the note. I was immediately greeted by gently formed brushstrokes, handwritin' that I would literally kill for. Neat words of his were scrawled across the center of the page, their layout just like the other hexes and charms I saw before. Scannin' the kanji symbols he wrote, my mouth dropped open so wide that I could catch a horde of flies with my gapin' pie hole. 

"Oh, my God…" I breathed, totally amazed by what I saw. "Not only does this prove that Ryou's a practicin' warlock, but this here procedure is a love spell…and _I _just so happen to be the one he wants to work it on…"


	2. Rough Love

Chapter Two: Rough Love

"Hey, Jounouchi-kun!" a cheerful voice boomed across the cafeteria.

Lookin' up from my slate of slop on the table, I saw my best friend, Yugi, wavin' to me on the other side a the room. He bounded over ta me like a lil' bunny rabbit, all bouncy an' energetic as if he were hopped up on caffeine. I know that he doesn't understand how ta act any other way than this, but c'mon, man! Does this kid actually hafta _wonder _why kids in our school call him gay? Damn, his attitude is waaaay to fruity for my taste sometimes. Why am I suddenly bein' surrounded by girlie guys now? The hell did I do ta ask for this kinda treatment? I mean, I don't mind some dudes like that here and there, but sheesh! First there's Mutou, who probably has a closet full a pantyhose and skirts, then I find out the hard way about Ryou--

"Jou?" a small tone calls, soundin' a bit more concerned than before. "You alright?"

Pushin' the heap a junk around on my plate, I kept quiet and pretended not to hear him.

"Joey?" repeated the shorter teen again. This time his accent started to crack. Whenever his voice started to do that, he reminded me of a little kid who lost a favorite toy. "I'm so sorry for whatever I did!" he quickly apologized, overreactin' an' probably bendin' at the waist in a deep bow. "I don't know what's wrong, but I'll try to make it all better! Just tell me what's the matter so I can help you!"

Leavin' the fork I held in a crap pile of mashed potatoes, I covered my face with one a my palms and waved him off with the other. "Stop it, man!" I demanded, both frustrated and upset at the same time. "You're embarrassin' me!" 

"How am I supposed to make you feel better if you won't tell me anything?" 

"Will ya shut-up already?"

"But I--I--" stuttered my friend brokenly, "just want to know if there's anything I can do for you!"

Openin' an eye, I caught a glimpse of another group a students sittin' together, all a which happened ta be lookin' our way and gigglin' to each other. They were makin' fun of us, no doubt 'bout that, and the snotty peeps were chics, too. Just great. We now graduated ta bein' the laughin' stock of some gossips who would spread to everyone they knew that me an' Yugi were actin' like a coupla girls. How nice.

"Sit down!" I demanded, throwin' a chair out to my amigo with an angry foot. 

Thankfully, the shy sweetheart didn't make an ass outta himself anymore, since he took the invitation and plopped himself down. Happy to have some peace an' quiet at last, I plucked my fork from the nasty food and began playin' with it. The kid who sat in front a me shifted nervously, crossin' one leg over the other, settin' the body part down on the tiles, goin' through this weird ritual of how ta sit right. As he did that, I messed around with some peas (at least that's what the lunch lady said they were) by mixin' them with my puddin'. 

"Aw, I could have eaten that!" protested the tiny tyke across the way. Very whiny and kinda crybabyish, I thought. 

Liftin' the utensil, I let him have a looksie at my handiwork, which coulda gotten a gold medal for The World's Most Sickest Shit. "Ya can still have some if ya want." I answered with a humorous grin.

"Ugh, not anymore." Yug grunted, showin' me the flats of his palms. "You turned it into a worm bath."

In spite of myself, I broke into a casual smile. "It's healthier for ya now!" I snickered, feelin' back ta my old self at the moment. Flashin' him an idiotic grin, I made a wide, exaggerated gesture with my right arm while mimickin' the voice of a game show host, "Nutritious and delicious, that's what parents everywhere say when it comes down to it!"

Mutou snorted in disgust. "Yeah, well I'm not exactly the model kid who eats his vegetables." he replied, floppin' his head on top of a ready hand. "That shit'll make me puke."

"It would do more than that to me."

"Like…?"

"Give me enough gas ta level a rainforest." I answered nonchalantly, scooping some of the black an' green junk onto my knife an' spoon. 

"Why do I believe that?" asked the teen with red, black, and blond hair, watchin' me form a screwed up work of art with great skill, somewhat hopin' that I don't shove the battered waste at his face anymore.

" 'Cuz your gullible like 'dat." I reply for him without even thinkin' about what would come outta my mouth. 

Instead of gettin' pissed at me, he just shook his head in a slow, kinda back and forth motion that indicated he was frustrated with somethin'. Sighing deeply, he inquired, "Okay, Jou, I give up. What's eating at you?"

Pausin' in the middle a my self-taught cookin' lesson, I answered, "Nothin'." Shootin' him a fake smile, I added, "I'm cool."

Scrunchin' his brow together, he stared me in the eyes for a good, long time. Seein' what was really hidden in my big hazel eyes, he told me flat out, "You're full of shit, you know."

Drummin' my fingertips on the flat surface, I pushed my plate aside and dropped my gaze. He was right. God damn it, the young 'un who was short enough ta be my eternal arm rest was right on the money. Grittin' my teeth together, I shrugged uncaringly. "So what if I am?" I snapped, harshly enough for Yug to straighten in his seat. Realizin' that my behavior was mirrorin' the jerk Kaiba, I fell onto the table on my folded arms. Now it was _me_ who owed _him_ an apology. "Sorry," I mumbled softly, "I didn't mean for it to come out that way. It's just that I can't stop wonderin'--" Widening my eyes, I clamped my hands over my mouth, ducked my head low, and kept my trap shut. Nu-uh. I'm not gonna tell him _that_ much, no matter _how _much of a good friend he is. There's just no way in hell I'd spill what I found out last night--

Cockin' his head ta the side, Mutou gave me a weird face and frowned. "What was that?"

"I dunno." I replied, which was entirely too fast for him ta believe.

"Joey," said the other boy sternly, "I'm not as naïve as everyone thinks I am."

"And…?"

"And I'm not letting you off _that _easy." he said simply in a prim, no-nonsense kinda tone. "You wanna say what's bothering you, or am I going to have to pry the responses from your throat?"

"I'm tellin' ya, everythin's cool with me!" I protested stubbornly, wishin' that he'd let up on me and turn the heat lamp off. Glancin' at him, I could see that he wasn't buyin' my bullshit. He just sat in his chair, arms crossed, chin up, starin' at me with an expression that said, 'quit lyin' to me already!' Not wantin' ta face-off with the music, I growled, "Can ya stop mothering me? Geez, ya remind me of a housewife or whatever."

Yugi scowled at my remark. "Hey, I'm just trying to help." he claimed, flicking me off with his wrist. "I'm doing my best here, but if you're going to be a smart-ass on me, I can leave you alone and talk to Anzu or something."

"You'd actually stoop ta that level" I inquired with mock surprise.

"She's a good friend!" Mutou retorted, his huge purplie eyes glowin' with the pride of stickin' up for a gal who couldn't even keep a stable job. Biting on his lower lip, he had the innocent nerve to ask, "What level are _you _talking about, anyways?"

"Desperateness." I replied without hesitation. 

"You're awful sometimes, you know that, Jou?" 

"Yeah, but who's takin' note of it?" I fired back, somehow unable ta take the bite outta my voice.

Emitting a low whistle, the other teen said, "Wow, I guess his insults _do _have some truth to them."

"Whose does?"

"Kaiba's." Yug answered with a sly smirk.

"What's _that_ supposed ta mean?" I asked, my posture rigid and inflexible.

"That you resemble a canine battling another pack rat for a bone when you get pissed."

"Say _what_?" 

Shrugging as if he could care less, the kid with tri-colored locks grinned took on the gazillionaire's bratty features. "That's what he told us while you were going to the bathroom during lecture."

Floppin' my arms huffily in front a my chest, I growled, "Anythin' _else_ I should know about?"

"No."

"What the hell ever!" I cursed in an angry rage, "Don't hide shit like this form me!"

"You'll start another fight with him." accused the shorter teen in a knowing tone. Then, in a more civilized voice, he advised, "Just stay away from him and mind your own business, Jounouchi. Of all people, you're definitely someone who can't afford to get into any more trouble."

"I'll decide that much for myself, thank-ya Mom." I heard myself snap, clawing at the table top with blunt nails while comin' up with new torture methods for a certain brat of a brunet. 

"I'm serious! You just got yourself suspended two days ago for the same stuff! You're not in any position to--"

Sighing in aggravation, I finished, "Fuck up my probation, I know, I know." 

On Tuesday, I was sent ta the gallows just 'cuz Mr. Fucking-Owns-The-Whole-God-Damned-Planet decided to tattle on me for knockin' him out in the bathroom. While he was takin' a beauty nap, I dyed his precious brown strands bright pink so the whole freakin' student body would know how much of priss he really is. It wasn't long 'fore the sweet lil' escapade ended, 'cuz the bastard ratted to the principal about how "emotionally distressed" he was and that I was always the one who "caused him so much trauma." Bullshit! The basket case needs ta see a shrink if he honestly believes that crap! _He's _the one who messed up my program that day by shreddin' my homework and makin' it ta where I didn't have anythin' ta turn in! Serves him right to get a dose of his own medicine--

"So don't put yourself in jeopardy anymore. Because if you do," warned the petite adolescent firmly, "you might not be so lucky the next time you come from the head office."

"Wish they'd just expel me and get it over with." I grumbled, heavin' an irritated breath outta my lungs. 

"Don't say that!"

"Why not? Kaiba runs the joint by doin' what he wants with or without me here, so what's the point of tryin' ta fight the law?"

"But you're the only one who stands up to him!" protested Yug, lookin' at me with funny watery orbs, on the verge of tears. Whatever I said must've hit pretty hard.

Liftin' my lips into a halff-smile, I declared proudly, "That's 'cuz no one screws with Jounouchi Katsuya an' gets away with it."

"Except for the principal and teachers." Mutou pointed out, grinning a bit while puttin' a hole in my inflated ego.

Driftin' ta the ground like a deflated balloon, I agreed with him and slumped in my seat. "Yep, you've got me there." Placin' my thumbs over my fingers, I cracked my knuckles, rolled my wrists around to work any kinks out, then laced my hands together and stuck 'em behind my head. Dismissin' the comment he made, I changed the subject back to a familiar source. "So, what'd the Dragon Dumb Ass say 'bout me while I was takin' a leak?"

"Oh, no," groaned the shorter male, sinking into his seat while throwin' his hands over his wild hair. "not this again! I thought we were gonna leave this alone already!"

"Aw, it can't be _that_ bad!" 

"What if it was?"

"So I'll just pretend I never heard it, then."

Yugi rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Why can't I trust that?"

"Possibly 'cuz you're growin' outta bein' so naïve?" I suggested, an impish smirk playin' with my lips.

"Possibly 'cuz I know you'll get revenge for it somehow?" the other kid fired back. It was a realistic response, but I just couldn't let it go. 

"C'mon, Yug," I chastised, "you know what they say about assuming, riiiight?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'don't make an ass out of you or me,' I know how the old sayin goes."

Leanin' towards him expectantly, I rested my chin on a closed fist, waitin' for him to say what he heard. "Then why don't ya tell your best bud Jou everythin' that went on?" I asked, regardin' him with an easy-going gaze.

Exhausted, he rubbed his temples, stretched his neck, then looked at me with innocent red eyes. "You sure you're not gonna go completely bonkers when I tell you this?"

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. "No," I said mildly, "I'll be good."

"You promise?"

"Yep."

"Promise, promise?"

"Uh-huh."

"Swear to God, Mary, Jesus, the Holy Trinity, and all the saints?"

Grindin' my teeth, I could feel the irritation weigh inside a my brain, but I stayed as calm as I could. "Yes, I swear to the mighty maker I'll forget whatever ya tell me."

"Okay," he relented. Taking a huge breath, he sat up straight, focused his big blue-violet orbs on me, then spilled, "hesaidpuppy'slikeyouneedajanitorrunningbehindthemsotheydon'tpissalloverthefloor."

Plasterin' a hand to the side a my brow, I smoothed out the knotted skin there. "Repeat, please?"

Swallowing fretfully, he asked, "The whole thing again?"

"Yeah, 'cept don't go so fast. I wanna hear everythin' word for word."

Nodding, he tipped his face closer to mine, inhaled slowly, then spit the phrase out. "He said, 'Puppies like you need a janitor running around behind them so they don't piss all over the floor.' " Exhaling cautiously, he glanced over at me to see how I was taking the whole thing. I guess my face didn't change much at all, since he followed up with, "On a brighter note, our teacher decided to cancel this Friday's test, so we get the weekend to study for it." Smiling at me with his usual enthusiasm, he exclaimed, "Isn't that great? Almost a full four days to prepare for the science exam! We couldn't _ask_ for better timing! Everyone was so worried that they were gonna fail it, too!" Letting out a hearty laugh, he suddenly inquired, "Oh, me, Anzu, and Honda are thinking about going to the library as a study group. If you wanna join us, you're more than welcome to." Finally endin' his pointless jabberin', he tapped my arm and called my name. "Jounouchi-kun?"

Payin' no attention to the hyper kid pokin' me, I scraped some more of the gory zombie guts onto my spoon, stewin' in my dark, bitter thoughts. 

"Um, is anyone home?" questioned the gothic teen beside me, jabbin my flesh with his index finger. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you were--"

"Gonna fuckin' kill him." I snarled, my hateful lingo spewin' off a my tongue like a dragon spittin' fire. 

"Oh, no you don't!" protested the lil' youth, shaking his head in obvious disapproval. Like that was supposed to stop me or somethin'. "You said you wouldn't!"

"Fuck that asshole, I'm gonna deck him so hard he'll be broke after all the cosmetic surgery he gets!" I proclaimed to everyone within a five-mile radius. "He can just kiss that pretty boy image g'bye, the punk! And then when he's on the ground, I'll--"

"Jounouchi, no!" cried Yug in his high-pitched girlie voice, "I'm not gonna--"

"Get hit if ya park yourself here an' keep quiet." I finished, cold determination in my voice. "Just find a place to be and get in it."

"But--you--you're suspension--" he sputtered, tryin' ta get me to see things from his side a the fence, but it was too late. Bowin' his head, he did just what I told him ta do and lowered himself into the next available chair. "Don't do anything you'll regret later, alright? Can you do that much for me?"

"Sure," I replied with a cold grin, "After all, I promised I'd be good, didn't I? Everyone knows that Joey keeps his promises, so forget about it, man!" 

As Mutou let out a noisy groan, I plucked my utensil from my dish, put on my nastiest smirk, then sat the spoon I grasped upright. Settin' my finger on top of the plastic missile carrier, I cocked it at a perfect angle and closed one of my eyes.

"You're my bitch now," I spit, aiming my special dessert at the brunet on the far side of my table, "so here's a lil' rough love to get this party started!"

In a single instant, I fired the muddy mess at the rich snot, sneering haughtily to myself as I did it. The putrid projectile sailed over the flock of preppy sheep in my class, missin' their prissy locks by a long shot. It was only moments from hittin' its target, only seconds from slappin' the cocky fruit basket in the face, and I drew in a short, excited breath. This was it! This was the time a truth I've been waitin' for! I knew my life at Domino High would come to an abrupt end after this, but who gives a damn? I'm gonna be _famous _for this! Hey, maybe even one a the dorks in yearbook will come an' take some snapshots of Kaiba's ugly mug and post it in the newspaper! Oh, oh! I know! It can go in the yearbook to be set in stone so everyone can look back on his pic an' say, 'Wow, what a loser!' Now I, Joey Wheeler, can be the king a the campus, an' nothin' or nobody's gonna stand in my way--

"Great Mother Isis!" someone screeched in an extremely familiar British accent, "What--What _is _this--this--_shit_?"

Pullin' myself outta my lovely daydream, I trembled and opened my eyes once more. There, sittin' by Kaiba, was a very disturbed lookin' guy with white hair--well, what _was_ white hair, anyways--who was flickin' a mound a sticky brown stuff off his mane. Glarin' at me darkly, stupid Seto held a fist out to me and stuck his middle finger up. He was shoutin' a string a foul lingo, but I didn't return the favor with my own insults. All I could do was stare in shock at what I had done, my mouth hangin' by its hinges with my fingers holdin' my head up at a sunken height.

"Aw, fuck," I swore under my breath, watchin' as the brown-eyed boy helplessly tried ta smack the clammy crap from his hair, "the 'rough love' was intended for Kaiba, not Ryou…"


End file.
